The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Quit The Rat Race

Times are tough. It seems like you can’t fashion a welfare check into a crude paper airplane and throw it without it poking an unemployed person in the eye. With the jobless rate nearing an all-time high and an economy that’s in the dumps, we here at the Trendliest think the best course of action regarding the running of “the rat race” is to simply quit it. That’s right, rather than scanning the want ads for a job in the service industry or as a backup quarterback-that you have no desire to fulfill- the friendly and trendy thing to do is announce your retirement!

Moses Gives An Impassioned Retirement Speech to A Throng of Shocked Followers

Retirement has been an alien concept for the majority of civilization. In ancient times, most professional careers ended at the onset of a public stoning, enslavement by invading parties or leprosy. The first influential retiree was none other than Moses, who upon leading the Jews out of Egypt; parting the Red Sea for them; and giving them The Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai, decided that he’d already done his relatively thankless job to the best of his abilities, and that there was nothing left to accomplish as God’s instrument. He happily handed his hebrew leading reins over to Aaron who took them the most of the rest of the way to the promised land.

Brett Favre Gives an Impassioned Retirement Speech To Frenzied Fan Base

The story of Moses’ retirement still carries some weight today as it was the inspiration for Brett Favre’s decision in March of ’08 to retire as the star quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, whom some have dubbed “the Hebrews of the NFL.” Favre had led the Packers out of the unholy land of mediocrity (although they occasionally returned to visit) having done his job to the best of his abilities while surpassing all of Moses’ passing records. His retirement effectively handed the reins of the team to Aaron Rodgers and allowed Favre the opportunity to fade quietly into the past whilst perched happily atop the NFL’s version of Mt. Sinai (a sure induction into the Hall of Fame).

Aaron 2008!

As trendly as quitting the rat race can be, if you find your AARP membership benefits to be unrewarding, you always have the option of asking for your old job back provided you had a job in the first place. While there’s no guarantee that your employers haven’t moved on to the new hotshot CEO or Janitor, the odds are if you act disgruntled enough they’ll “trade” you to another job where you’ll be unjustifiably hailed as that company’s new savior despite the fact that you were totally overrated at your old company and you’re getting up there in years. Hey, sometimes it’s just nice to be wanted…and there’s nothing trendlier than tricking people into thinking you’re worth the trouble.

August 7, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Entertainment, Sports | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Who’s On First?

Hey couch Trend-thletes, Do you spend the majority of your day touching your testicles, occasionally brushing your nose and brim of your hat while you watch baseball? If you do, odds are you’re looking for a way to parlay those particular talents into at least a summer job. While we here at Trendliest have certainly felt your unemployed pain, we don’t like to see you sitting around dilly-dallying in misery. Instead we went out and found you a trendly job option that puts your skill set to good use and leaves you firmly entrenched on an upwardly mobile career path…or should we maybe say base path. Your “search” for employment is over! You’re qualified for the trendliest job in sports- First Base Coach.

The First Base coach occupation actually evolved from that of a sexual education teacher. Abner Doubleday, a decorated General who is said to have invented the game of Baseball, was known as a bit of a Casanova in his time spent at Fort Sumter. He spent a great deal of the downtime showing his fellow soldiers how to “french kiss” or as he referred to it, “getting to first base” and was thence given the title “First Base Coach” for that very reason.

Abner Doubleday: Master of First Base and Entendre

It’s a little known fact that in the first game of baseball ever played, batsmen were not “safe at first” until they convinced the player covering the bag to engage in a heated make-out session before being tagged with the ball. Likewise, a player was not safe at second until he felt the second basemen over the shirt, which may have had something to do with the game resulting in a scoreless tie.

Most First Base Coaches today start off as actual baseball players who have less than fruitful major or minor league careers. As a result of their lack of prestige as players, these former players are not in high demand for careers as broadcasters or head managerial positions. Fortunately, organizations throw them a bone and allow them to stand by first base and pretend that they’re giving valuable advice to players who have the talent to place the ball in a strategic spot within the field of play. This allows them to feel close to the game and that they’re providing a indispensable service to the team by keeping their players at ease while on the basepath.

A First Base Coach Hard At Work

Additionally, while a batter is at the plate. the First Base Coach gets to do all of the crotch tugging and brim stroking he wants under the guise that he’s “giving signs.” In actuality, that’s the third base coach’s job. The First Base Coach is a living, breathing, spitting, ear-tugging diversion.

Despite, the reliance on former athletes to fill the role of First Base coach, owners and general managers alike have taken to hiring people with little to no experience for the position, so long as they have an outgoing personality, a basic understanding of the game or a season of little league under their belt. Did we mention that First base coaches can make upwards of around $450,000 a year? Now that’s a salary you could live on for doing a job that demands virtually no effort and transforms your need repeatedly adjust your junk in public into a socially acceptable practice. Now that’s what we call trendly!

June 19, 2008 Posted by | Careers | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trendliness in Action: Pranks- Jeff Ehrhardt

Hello Trend Trackers, We here at the Trendliest admit sometimes the things that we consider downright trendly can seem so absolutely crazy that it might prompt readers to think we’re just pulling their leg. Fortunately, every once in awhile our knack for sniffing out what’s hot gets the affirmation it so deserves in the form of a news story.

This morning we were absolutely delighted to read about our latest social trend, Pranks, being put to good use by a top notch athlete at a prominent Kentucky University. This T.M.O.C. (Trendly Man on Campus) is none other than Murray State Quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt, who when in response to a dare from a teammate who offered him $20 (any amount of money is trendly) pushed a campus police officer and took his ticket book. While we previously didn’t state “dares” as trendly, the campus athletic director’s affirmation of the whole event being “a prank gone bad”, validates our previous post.

As a result, The Trendliest salutes Murray State Quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt…and hopes that he can avoid the potential 10 year prison term that goes along with being charged with 2nd Degree Robbery so that he can continue being Trendly in other ways, like perhaps playing the Clarinet.

April 14, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Methods | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Electric Slide

Hey Trend Fans, Welcome to the Wide World of Trendliness. You might as well call me your Trendly neighborhood Trendcaster, Howard Trendsell…or not… Either way, I’m still going tell you about what is currently all the rage. So far we’ve given you the low down on everything from beverages to ways to get that total slut best friend of yours to tell you how far she went on her date last night, even if she might not be so keen on sharing the news. Well, today at the Trendliest we are not going to pull a total 180 degree turn so much as we’re going to do a triple salchow to land us in the realm of Sport.

Yes indeed, sports are certainly a friendly trend to all beings. They’re not just for straight men who like knocking each other around on and off of the fields of play as well as in the locker room. Sports are for everyone. One sport in particular that has caught our eye aside from curling (we love to sweep) is the doubles luge. Not only is doubles luge trendy because of its sleek and stylish form fitting suits and the speed at which the sled travels, but also because it’s a socially acceptable alternative to gay marriage.

While the Catholic Church may not approve of two people of the same sex laying together in sin, they can usually say nothing but, “go team” when it comes to two people of the same sex…their bodies intertwined with bulging genitalia pressed against one another, sliding down a curved mountain track at thrilling speeds as the participants experience an overly exhilarating rush unlike anything else in the world. Doubles Luge…it involves all the trendy aspects of a homosexual relationship and it’s Catholic Church friendly. Plus, in no state in the Union is it illegal to form a doubles luge team. You can’t get more trendly than that! Luge away!

April 2, 2008 Posted by | Religion, Sexuality | , , , , , | 1 Comment