The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Armed To The Feet

Greetings troopers of the 82nd Trendliest Infantry division!  General Trendkopf here demanding you put down those pistols, beat your swords into plowshares and replace those revolvers with roses.  All of those sophisticated modes of weaponry are decidedly out of date.  The friendly, trendy new way to get your battle on and your point across is not to gear up with guns, but to unlace your loafers and let ’em fly.

The Shoe Heard 'round The World

The Shoe Heard 'round The World

Ever since the events of this past week, when Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi attempted the first Presidential shoe-sassination, military defense contractors at Halliburton have been hard at work with the economically-minded pump producers at Payless, developing the ultimate  surface-to-groin missile that will surely put the United States ahead in the foot race.

Haliburton-Payless Prototype Surface To Groin Missile

Haliburton-Payless Prototype Surface-To-Groin Missile

The United States isn’t the only national superpower anxious to dub itself a Shoe-per power. China and India are right up there with over a billion pairs of shoes each aimed in the general direction of almost every country in the world. The United States’ standing as a world leader is secure though, thanks in large part to a fleet female fighting force each brandishing on average up to 14 pairs of the trendly new weapon in a variety of different styles and colors that are designed to compliment a variety of different regulation fatigues and battle situations.

United States Defense Department Shoe Stockpile (Courtesy of Imelda Marcos)     United States Defense Department Shoe Stockpile (Courtesy of Imelda Marcos)

United States Defense Department Shoe Stockpile (Courtesy of Imelda Marcos)

The fact that President Bush avoided being struck by both of al-Zeidi’s size 10’s is a big reason for World War III not breaking out. Also, the Italian economy has seen quite a boost from the event as the world’s governments have sought out the finest in Italian leather footwear from likes of Salvatore Ferragamo and Prada to equip their armies.

While the World may not yet be embroiled in a melee of moccasins, the irate Iraqi has inspired a few “Shoe d’etats” in 3rd world countries like Sri Lanka and The Island of Cuervo Nation. The new method of warfare has also prompted constitutional enthusiast Ron Paul to lobby for a change in the 2nd amendment to include the right to bear dock-siders.

The dramatic shift in tensions has created a new world order that  foreign relations experts predict could result in increased violence. On the upside, the death toll is likely to reduce 85%, but there might still be a lot of black and blue marks and scuffed up wing tips.  We’ll take that over a high death toll any day.  So the next time you want to take your guns to town, take a look down and realize that you’re armed to the feet and let the friendly, trendy battle begin.

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December 16, 2008 Posted by | Fashion, International, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Get Your Feet Wet

Greetings to the many fish in the trendly sea! Are you looking to get your feet wet, but would like to avoid the inevitable discomfort presented by the change of trying something new? Well the latest friendly trend in footwear won’t make you feel comfortable when you walk a mile in someone’s else’s shoes, but if you don’t like swimming because you have a crippling fear of getting any type of liquid all over your precious paws, perhaps you should try taking a swim in your socks. Not just any pair of knee high knits will shelter your instep from a high seas soaking, you’re going to need to slide into a pair of aqua socks.

Aqua socks were originally invented for Navy Seals (1990), when famous Hollywood actor Charlie Sheen’s contract rider demanded a special kind of shoe be created so that the Wall Street star’s toes wouldn’t get all prune-ish during the filming of water scenes. Once the on set military consult saw how well the shoes worked in terms of keeping digits dry and being less noisy than a pair of boots that tended to clip-clop making sneaking up on opponents impossible; he urged that the US government manufacture the fancy footwear for a special military issue.

Where It All Began

Where It All Began

After making their mark in military invasions of Canada, Panama, and Iraq; Aquasocks became all the rage. Brands like Speedo and Nike began churning out their own versions in their factories in Sri Lanka and Burma so that rich kids in summer camp could show off their ornate waterfront footwear and laugh at their less fortunate peers who could only afford flip flops.

Poor Children Too Ashamed To Show Their Faces

Poor Children Too Ashamed To Show Their Faces

Aqua socks went out of production for a long while as the companies that produced them were too busy moving their factories to places where they could get children who demanded less pay to produce them. Also, their small hands were perfect for reaching in between clogged, razor-sharp gears. However, with the start of the Iraq War in 2003, the NAVY Seals were back in action and in need of some sleek water wear. Just like that they were being massed produced once again, and thanks to the popularity of the war at home all of the kids have started slipping them on yet again…and if the kids are wearing them yet again, they must be friendly, trendy, and patriotic.

September 4, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Fashion, Government | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment