Are you slacking on your new year’s resolution to be slightly less corpulent? Whether or not you’re serious about telling people your goal to weigh more than Olsen Twins combined, but not quite enough to require a crane to lift you from both your doldrums and your bedroom, the fact is, there’s only one way to turn yourself from a Fiddle Faddle eating fatty into someone who annoyingly describes themselves as feeling “fit as a fiddle…Actually, there are probably three ways, but only one of them is trendly and that’s joining a gym.
Ever since 1990, when the cold war was coming to an end and most of the world was emerging from it’s cocaine addled hangover, the majority of people all over the globe have been obsessed with fitness. Men and women alike join gyms, spas and fitness clubs en masse for the express purpose of trying to convince the opposite sex that they are indeed in good enough shape to have sex as they creepily leer at on another from afar whilst using a Stairmaster.
Gyms aren’t just great places to tempt a restraining order. They’re a top notch option for anyone who harbors a serious desire to run on a treadmill next to someone who smells as though they’ve been swimming in a sewer for the last three days or maybe feels the need to catch a glimpse of someone else’s “manhood” on flagrant display in the locker room. Also, gyms are an ideal setting to pump yourself up with testosterone by listening to Metallica’s black album and then channeling that violent rage into one set of ten curls.
Aside from actually attaining fitness, the act of joining a gym allows those who don’t necessarily consider themselves fit freaks to acquire the illusion of dedication to their own health for a nominal monthly fee. In turn, members can effectively keep up their fitness ruse by showing up one or two times a week and wandering around the perimeter looking for a machine they might want to use for five minutes to achieve some level of muscle tone. Either way…they can still say they paid to join a fitness club…and as you should well know, becoming a member of an exclusive members only club is almost always trendly.
Hello my Trendlies, Are you doing something friendly and trendy right now? Well how about now? Even if it isn’t trendly, you should probably tell us what it is you’re up to. Why? Because knowing what everyone else is doing all of the time is unbelievably trendly. As you’re reading this I’m doing perhaps the trendliest thing of all, blogging. While blogging may be a hot new way to show a nation on the edge of it’s seat important photos of your cat, it can no way inform people as to your regular whereabouts and goings on. The fact of the matter is everyone wants to know what you’re up to whether you’re in a bathtub getting ready to pop out junior with your midwife, poisoning the water supply in Myanmar or just plain hangin’ out. To put it briefly, you’re not cool unless somebody knows you’re cool. Thanks to technological advances like super computers, cell phones and the Swiffer Sweeper, keeping eager stalkers constantly apprised of your goings on has never been easier.
Way back in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue he forgot to tell his roommates he was even leaving the house and they were totally pissed when he ditched out without getting someone to sublet. It was four months before they knew he was gone and another two months before they were beheaded in a public square for not paying the full rent. If they could’ve checked his Facebox profile they would’ve seen the phrase “Christopher Columbus is out sailing for a few months” on his status update and put an ad up on Craigslist or on the town square bulletin board and avoided their subsequent guillotine rendezvous. Thanks to sites like Twitter and Tellmewhatyouredoingallofthetime.com this is so not a problem. These sites allow users to constantly give people the lowdown on what they’re up to by typing in their daily minutia into a browser so that you never have to exercise those pesky amenities known as their voice or their privacy ever again.
The trendliest people, a.k.a Celebrities, even have their own uber-exclusive telling everyone what they’re doing all the time service called TMZ.com. TMZ.com uses a complex system of stalkers with video and photo equipment aimed at the crotches of female celebrities to let the rest of the world know that celebrities never have underwear, always have genitalia, and sometimes go to the supermarket. Now that’s what we call trendly!
April 7, 2008 Posted by evankessler | Celebrities, Electronics, Social Trends, Technology | Britney Spears, Christopher Columbus, craigslist, Facebox, Internet, knowing what people are doing, midwives, Myanmar, pregnancy, stalkers, stalking, swiffer sweeper, TMZ.com, trendliest, trends, twitter | Leave a comment
The Trendliest is your friendly guide to latest trends. If you need to know what’s hop, hot, or now…well then you’ve got to read it. Not only is The Trendliest friendly and trendy, but it’s also satirical. So, if you find yourself easily offended by the content, there is a good chance that you are either silly, hyper-sensitive or Canadian. Lighten up Canucks.
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