The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Join The Parade!

Greetings Trendly Fellows and Fellettes!  Do you consider yourself to be a rugged individualist that feels most at home  when gathered with of a large group that shares the same ethnic makeup or sexual orientation as you?   Do you enjoy paying tribute to the stereotypical inklings of your kind by marching down a crowded street or cheering at those who do?  Whether you’re Gay, Irish, a gay Irishman, or just plain thankful that most of the Native Americans have been killed off, the best way to manifest these winning character traits is to indulge in the latest marker of social trendliness, putting your pride on Parade!

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No one knows where the term “Parade” came from, it is thought that it is derived from the ancient magazine “Hit Parader” which Axl Rose dissed in his song “Get In The Ring” on 1991’s Use Your Illusion II album.  Others think it comes from the Latin for “Par” meaning “to march” and “ade” meaning “wearing cutoff denim shorts and rollerblades.”

Not Quite A Full On Par-Ade

Not Quite A Full On Par-Ade

Parades have been in existence since the days of Roman rule when offenders of Roman law would be “Paraded” through streets of Jerusalem on their way to be crucified, so that those being sent to their death would see just how the public felt about them being sent to their death.  Most of the time these criminals were showered with “boos” and large stone projectiles to add insult to their imminent demise.  The chief offender was often held on high upon a moving platform and deemed the “Grand Marshall”.  The Grand Marshall would not only bear the brunt of  the ire of the people, but upon crucifixion had the daunting task of leading his fellow lawbreakers in the singing of “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life.” Failure to do so would result in a swift stabbing.

The most notable of early parade Grand Marshalls was Jesus H. Christ, who it is said, did a pretty dynamite job in getting not only his fellow inmates to sing, but also the crowd of onlookers.  As a result, he has a great deal of people who still follow his teachings that basically say, “You’ll see it’s all a show, keep on laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you…and don’t forget to eat my body and drink my blood too.”

Jesus Bears The Brunt of Being an Early Grand Marshall

Jesus Bears The Brunt of Being an Early Grand Marshall

Modern day parades have evolved quite a bit from the spectacle of savage death-fests of Roman times.  Today they are largely celebratory affairs in which people show off their knack for stereotypical behavior they would normally boycott a movie over if said movie had someone of their heritage acting in a vaguely similar way.  They also happily impede on the personal space of those not interested in their spectacle in a show of sheer, obnoxious joy.  There are many occasions today that are seen as parade-worthy.

A Likeness of St. Patrick Marches Down A Crowded Parade Route

A Likeness of St. Patrick Marches Down A Crowded Parade Route

On St. Patrick’s day Irish people and people who pretend to be Irish- because on this day they’re not considered ‘alcoholics’ – gather together en masse on the streets of any number of cities imbibing green beer so that it might fill them with the liquid courage necessary to clear that city of snakes by urinating in public.  The gay pride parade gives homosexuals the chance to tell the entire city just how much they like civil rights and rainbows, while both the Columbus and Thanksgiving day parades give cause for white americans to taunt the remaining Native American population by annually showing up in greater numbers and pushing them out of the way to get a better view of floats..  No matter how you slice it, parades require the participation of plenty of enthusiastic parties.  And if that many people are excited about something, than it’s almost certainly trendly.

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February 24, 2009 Posted by | Religion, Sexuality, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Take Three

Greetings toilers of the trendletariat. Are you tired of the traditional grind of the five day work week, spending all of that time on the assembly line or reading Gawker at your desk just waiting for the clock to strike 5pm on Friday? Well, what if we told you those days are soon to be a thing of the past because of the latest friendly trend and occupational craze the three-day weekend.

Preparations for Pagan Festival of Human Flesh

The three day weekend has a long and storied tradition beginning with the Pilgrims of the Plymouth Colony who once took Thursday through Saturday off to have a great big feast known as “Thanksgiving” with the local Native American tribe so that they might fatten them up for their eventual slaughter and ingestion at the Pagan “Festival of Human Flesh.”  While the latter festival is long forgotten, we still celebrate Thanksgiving every year by taking a long weekend so that both the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions can play football.

The Original Three-Day Weekend Warriors

Cowboys and Lions: The Original Three-Day Weekend Warriors

According to a survey done at the Work Institute of America (W.I.A) based on thirty one hours of research or conversations at the watercooler and over Instant Messager at their very own office; most employees only do nine hours of actual work per week. They also found that no matter how many days the work week consisted of, the nine hours of work per week remained constant and that the majority of work days are spent either killing time leading up to lunch, killing time getting ready to go home, reading the newspaper in the bathroom or looking for a new job where they make more money but work less of the time.

In an effort to curb the latter, employees have begun removing Friday or Monday as part of the work schedule in order to eliminate annoying discussions about hump day in the elevator and to a lesser extent increase productivity on other days of the week.

Data Gathering In Action

W.I.A: Data Gathering In Action

The study itself was prompted by an actual four day weekend over Thanksgiving in 2002 when employees at Bear Stearns on Wall Street, despite only working Monday through Wednesday the previous week, had no extra work to do when they returned the following Monday, yet marveled at all of the extra time they had to take a quick trip to Vegas, get shitfaced, gamble, and go to strip clubs or as some of them called it “spending time with their family”. And really what’s more friendly and trendy than spending time with the people you love…doing the things you love.

August 28, 2008 Posted by | Holiday, Leisure, Methods, Religion, Sports, Travel | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment