The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Praise The Lord!

Welcome worshipers to the Church of the Holy Trend-ity. Today we’re going to show you the light so that you never wander astray from living a trendly life…Can I get an amen?!?! As you may well know, Jesus Christ sacrificed his life and all things trendy so that we, his children, might do the opposite: embrace trendy things, and not die on a giant, lower-cased T. Yes, by sacrificing his want for meat on Fridays, various sexual encounters and ultimately life…he gave us the power to indulge in the wrong, so that we might one day renounce all of the fun stuff in his name and spend eternity in heaven sitting next to him watching closed circuit tv of all of our living grandchildren. And for that we think you should be engaging in the Trendliest religious act there is….Thanking God.

Amen, brothers and sisters! Thanking God or just saying “Thanks God!” is essential to success in nearly every field save for Olympic Archery, provided you’re not in a third world country. Perhaps that’s why you can hear it echoing in the world’s houses of worship, casinos, winning locker rooms, and walk-in closets. In order to effectively thank God, you must first bow your head, clasp your hands, free your mind of all things relating to the upcoming G.I. Joe movie, and thank the Lord! You may also address The Pope if he happens to be in the stadium of your local baseball team. Can I get a “Hallelujah”?

The Man Upstairs is Not A Fan

When an upcoming musician wins a Grammy award for “Best R&B Song in a Film or Ringtone” he or she always makes sure to thank “the big man upstairs” – which is of course, portly uber-producer to the stars: God! When a gas pipe explodes at the very street corner you stand at every day waiting for the bus after going the gym, killing 70 people and a bus full of terminally ill school children heading to the “Make-a-Wish” headquarters – you, breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for the flat screen television you’re watching the tragedy unfold on, because you were feeling lazy and decided to skip the gym.

Yes, the most gratifying part of life it seems these days is getting the opportunity to thank God for everything. From the monumental – getting the perfect job, to the minor – avoiding a carjacking, thanking God comes into play in every situation. As the popular wartime slogan goes “If you’re not in the car with God, you’re probably sitting shotgun with some weird, eight-armed deity,” and, frankly, thanking an octopus is not as trendy as one would think. So the next time you find yourself at a podium accepting an award for your hit song “Baby, I Want to Be All Up In Your Uhhh” featuring Li’l Benvolio or just finding the warp zone to the 8th level on Super Mario Bros., remember to thank God. It’s the righteous and trendly thing to do.

An SB-EK Collaboration

April 16, 2008 Posted by | Religion | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If At First You Don’t Succeed…Search, Search Again

Hello my trendly little pupils. I hope you have your paper and pencils ready to take some notes because Trendology 101 is now in session. For today’s lesson in Trendliness we explore the hottest method for learning known as “Research”. As we all know, learning is important and research is not only the best way to learn things, but it’s used by nearly everyone, from Scientists who employ it to try to prove that God doesn’t exist to Producers on “The Jerry Springer Show”, who use it as a way to figure out what psychological buttons to push that will make two white-trash transvestite hermaphrodites so angry that they’ll punch each other in the face relentlessly on national television. If research is used on television how can it not be trendly?

“God who?”

The main aspects of research include reading about things, watching things and doing things related to that of which you may or may not already know, just in case you find yourself faced with the opportunity to appear on Jeopardy. For example if one wanted to research “martial arts” one might feel inclined to watch the Jeff Speakman movie or perhaps go to a dojo and punch someone in the face. The result would more than likely involve “Martial Arts, providing a wonderful opportunity for “hands on research”.

The term “research” itself originated with famed explorer Marco Polo, who in the 13th Century was sent to China by The Pope to look for spices. When Polo returned to present his holiness with the vast array of flavors he had found in the Orient, the Pope ordered him to go back and get more. Ironically, Polo had a horrible sense of direction and had made no markings on the map as to the places he had been. He told the Pope he would have to “re-search” for the spices and thus a new method of learning was born as was Mrs. Dash; the salt substitute was a direct result of Marco’s 2nd spice run. However, the fact of the matter is, after it’s invention research was very scarcely used. People preferred the use of the educated guess or “Hypothesis”, named after Greek mathematician Hypotenous for whom the longest side in a right triangle is also named. (Note: Getting things named after you makes them infinitely trendlier)

An Historic Moment In Research History

One of the first pioneers of researching was fairy tale “it” girl Goldilocks, who helped bring researching to the public eye when she found that some porridges and beds were too hot or too cold, but others were just right. Thanks to the efforts of this brazen blond researcher who effectively held the first focus group (a research method still used today by all the hottest marketing companies), the human race became acutely aware that partaking in anything that was “just right” ultimately pissed off bears. To this day, humans live in a slightly uncomfortable state to maintain a suitable equilibrium with the master bear race, because not getting mauled by Grizzlies is most certainly friendly and trendy.

Just as Goldilocks’ research led the human race to cope with things that may be a little too toasty or chilly, we here at The Trendliest use Marco Polo’s invention nearly every day to learn the latest on that which is not lame so we can pass it to you, our beloved readers. You know if we’re addicted to research, it must be trendly.

Thanks to Stephy P and Andrew M.

April 9, 2008 Posted by | Education, Methods | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment