The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Never Break The Chain

Hello fellow members of the psychic trends network. Are you feeling a little superstitious today? Maybe that’s because you had a premonition that we’d be covering something that kind of has to do with your good and/or bad fortune. While there are several things beyond your control that determine your everyday fate such as horoscopes, mere coincidence and traffic and weather together…there is one friendly and trendy way to ensure that you always have good luck no matter what happens as long as you don’t mind being more than slightly annoying…and that’s the latest trend in communication, Chain letters.

The First “Chain” Letter, Track 5

Chain letters have been around since just after the release of Fleetwood Mac’s 1977 album Rumours, when a Sacramento woman, after listening to the song “The Chain” for the 236th consecutive time was inspired to “never break the chain” her boyfriend had just broken, known as their relationship, by sending him 53 copies of the same letter stating “if you don’t love me now, you will never love me again…and unless you send this letter to 15 more people, you’ll have bad luck for the rest of your life.” While her boyfriend didn’t mail the letter to anyone or get back together with her, he did come back three weeks later to pick up his Fleetwood Mac album. She considered this a small victory and never sent another letter again.

However, at least 12 of her 53 letters did accidentally reach the wrong recipients and confused them to the point where they felt it necessary to mail copies out to as many people as possible for fear that they may face the ultimate curse of life long bad luck at the hands of the anonymous psycho witch with an obsession for letter writing campaigns and Stevie Nicks. It’s this same letter that has been circulation for more than 30 years, though various adjustments have been made to bestow particular rewards on those who participate and incur certain penalties on those who do not. As for the aforementioned boyfriend…he’s now living in Billings, Montana with his wife and four kids… and if living in Billings, Montana with a wife and four kids isn’t validation that the hex of the chain letter works…then what pray tell is?

Brought Back Economy, Fleetwood Mac and Chain Letters

Since the 1970’s The chain letter has fallen in and out of popularity, enjoying a resurgence around the time of Bill Clinton’s 1992 Presidential Campaign thanks to the usage of “The Chain” as his campaign song. These days the chain letter is once again on the upswing due to Hillary Clinton’s candidacy and her choice of Fleetwood Mac’s slightly less inspiring “You Make Loving Fun” as her campaign song. Thanks to the miracle of email and social networking sites these kindly threats are much more easily delivered to a greater mass of people and adorned with pictures of kittens with just a click of a button, though some hard copies do circulate via the less than reliable postal service.

It’s even become trendly to turn blog posts in to chain letters. In other words, if you read this post and email it to 20 people in the next 15 minutes the love of your life will contact you and give you a massage and 45 cents will be donated to a little boy in Nova Scotia who desperately needs a matching Dolce & Gabbana belt to go with his sweet sunglasses. If you don’t email this blog post to 20 people…not only will you be accused of being totally untrendly…but you’ll also be dead before the dawn.

April 21, 2008 Posted by | Communication | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blimpin’ Ain’t Easy

Hello you Trendly Travelers. Has it been some time you’ve flown the Trendly Skies? Are you turned off by the uncomfortable seating, whining children, Salisbury steak and crackers dinners, and the fact that you won’t be able to see the Grand Canyon because you’re seated on the left side of the aircraft? With all of those distractions, it’s a wonder jet liners carrying foreign soccer teams don’t go careening into mountain ranges more often. If you’re looking for a newer, safer, more trendly way to sit atop Cloud 9, we here at The Trendliest recommend taking to the wild blue yonder with the latest craze in aerial trend-vel, Blimps!

Yes, Blimps have come a long way since their early years. They were originally invented by the jet liner industry for the sole purpose of creating Public Service Announcements (PSA’s) aimed at warning the “eager to fly masses” on the inherent dangers of blimp travel. Most of these PSA’s failed miserably when passengers would take off safely and arrive safely at their destination. Famous archeologists Henry Jones and Henry Jones Jr. even caused quite a stir when they used one of these blimp airships as a forum to handily dispose of a few Nazi henchman who came aboard without tickets, providing Blimps with more unneeded publicity.

Fortunately, all of the jet liner industries efforts to produce a successful PSA came to fruition when a blimp known locally as “The Hindenburg” came crashing down in a fiery heap over the cesspool known as Lakehurst, N.J., causing potential travelers to say, “No thanks” to balloon-centric transportation, while inspiring young white children in the UK to form bands like Led Zeppelin and Rod Stewart.

Thinks Blimps Are Sexy

Despite its sordid history of mostly successful runs…The Blimp industry has come back in a big way! Hundreds of blimps are now glamorously deployed everyday by television production companies to capture static images of crowded parking lots surrounding sporting arenas. Blimps take passengers to exotic and positively trendy locations all over the world such as, above Busch Stadium in St. Louis or high above Jacobs Field in Cleveland.

Oh The Places You’ll Go!

Flying inside a blimp is like flying inside a large version of your living room in the sky, provided your living room doesn’t sporadically burst into flames. It’s your own personal space where you can wander around, sip champagne and watch the game while verbally abusing anyone within earshot. And while flying in the lap of luxury, instead of watching the game on TV, you can watch dots on the ground that look like they might be doing something related to a sport that you might want to watch even though half the time it’s just soccer…And we all know what happens to soccer teams when they fly.

Perhaps the only downside to Blimp Travel is that not many companies offer Blimp rides to the public and therefore Blimpin’ ain’t easy. However it’s this exclusivity that makes Blimp Travel well worth the price of admission. After all, anything this hard to come by must be positively trendly.

April 17, 2008 Posted by | Travel | , , , , | Leave a comment

Praise The Lord!

Welcome worshipers to the Church of the Holy Trend-ity. Today we’re going to show you the light so that you never wander astray from living a trendly life…Can I get an amen?!?! As you may well know, Jesus Christ sacrificed his life and all things trendy so that we, his children, might do the opposite: embrace trendy things, and not die on a giant, lower-cased T. Yes, by sacrificing his want for meat on Fridays, various sexual encounters and ultimately life…he gave us the power to indulge in the wrong, so that we might one day renounce all of the fun stuff in his name and spend eternity in heaven sitting next to him watching closed circuit tv of all of our living grandchildren. And for that we think you should be engaging in the Trendliest religious act there is….Thanking God.

Amen, brothers and sisters! Thanking God or just saying “Thanks God!” is essential to success in nearly every field save for Olympic Archery, provided you’re not in a third world country. Perhaps that’s why you can hear it echoing in the world’s houses of worship, casinos, winning locker rooms, and walk-in closets. In order to effectively thank God, you must first bow your head, clasp your hands, free your mind of all things relating to the upcoming G.I. Joe movie, and thank the Lord! You may also address The Pope if he happens to be in the stadium of your local baseball team. Can I get a “Hallelujah”?

The Man Upstairs is Not A Fan

When an upcoming musician wins a Grammy award for “Best R&B Song in a Film or Ringtone” he or she always makes sure to thank “the big man upstairs” – which is of course, portly uber-producer to the stars: God! When a gas pipe explodes at the very street corner you stand at every day waiting for the bus after going the gym, killing 70 people and a bus full of terminally ill school children heading to the “Make-a-Wish” headquarters – you, breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for the flat screen television you’re watching the tragedy unfold on, because you were feeling lazy and decided to skip the gym.

Yes, the most gratifying part of life it seems these days is getting the opportunity to thank God for everything. From the monumental – getting the perfect job, to the minor – avoiding a carjacking, thanking God comes into play in every situation. As the popular wartime slogan goes “If you’re not in the car with God, you’re probably sitting shotgun with some weird, eight-armed deity,” and, frankly, thanking an octopus is not as trendy as one would think. So the next time you find yourself at a podium accepting an award for your hit song “Baby, I Want to Be All Up In Your Uhhh” featuring Li’l Benvolio or just finding the warp zone to the 8th level on Super Mario Bros., remember to thank God. It’s the righteous and trendly thing to do.

An SB-EK Collaboration

April 16, 2008 Posted by | Religion | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

He’s Got One In The Oven!

Hello my trendly menlies…isn’t life beautiful? What’s that you say? You don’t know because you can’t experience the miracle of giving birth. Well, that’s a shame. For the longest time women were so selfish that they kept the right to give life all to themselves…popping out baby after baby with ease, leaving their men with little to do but to sweep the house, and learn how to breathe so that when their wives were giving birth they could blow in their faces and make funny sounds to add comic relief to the situation as infant upon infant came sliding out.

Famous Feminist Leader P. Diddy

Not only were women in control of the child rearing industry, but since acquiring the right to vote thanks to the efforts of Susan B. Anthony and P. Diddy’s Vote or Die campaign, women have threatened to take over nearly all aspects of society. They’ve more or less trivialized men’s place in society by taking over masculine roles like high school football kicker, sexy nurse and even corporate CEO. Luckily for men, in the past few years these domineering yet reasonable leaders have lessened their hold on society allowing for the installation of a glass ceiling, so that when women find their way to the executive floor, men in middle management still get the pleasure of looking up their skirts.

Despite women ceding some of their previous roles like home maker and sexy nurse over to men, it looked like those feminists would never allow men to participate in the one thing men really long to be apart of…the miracle of life. That is until now. Yes gentlemen, your prayers have been answered with the latest Health trend…Pregmancy.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better

No, that’s not a typo…The latest trend in childbirth is men putting one in the oven for nine months. Derived from the latin word pregnancy, which stems from the roots
preggers”, meaning “to have a child within” and “nancy”, meaning having “feminine qualities”…scientists simply replaced the n with an m because it was more aesthetically pleasing in terms of what they were now describing. Hence the term was born.

Inspired by the knowledge gained in documentary films such as Junior, 3 Men and A Baby and Cop and A Half as well as the episode of The Cosby Show when Cliff Huxtable gives birth to a hoagie, scientists have made it possible for men to experience the one thrill greater than watching your favorite speed skater compete in the olympics…birth.

Pudding and Pregmancy Pioneer Cosby

No longer do men have to go to the sperm bank and wait twenty or so years for an awkward knock at the door to experience the joy of having children. This is all made possible by simple procedure in which a man is born a woman and then decides that she identifies more with being a man. Said woMAN then has a sex change, but keeps her ovaries in tact. He is then impregnated by a stork, through hardcore stimulation or by the aforementioned sperm bank by a suitable donor who is both handsome and smart, but mostly in need of cash for sperm.

Pregmancy in Action…ON OPRAH!

However, it is most vital that before the baby is carried full term, said parents must appear on Oprah, so that they can be paraded around on national television like some beautiful freakshow showing how all is right with the world and how a film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger,which until now carried so little meaning paved the way for a social movement. If the latter does not occur, said family and baby is sure to languish in abject obscurity for what might end up being an entire lifetime filled with either hardship and/or happiness. At the end of the full term the man has the delight of squeezing a small being through their sex organ, known as the “mangina” not to be confused with popular european soft drink Orangina, and voila a baby is born, pioneering a new movement in child birth…and as we all know, being the first to do something is most decidedly trendly.

April 15, 2008 Posted by | Current Events, Health, Methods | , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trendliness in Action: Pranks- Jeff Ehrhardt

Hello Trend Trackers, We here at the Trendliest admit sometimes the things that we consider downright trendly can seem so absolutely crazy that it might prompt readers to think we’re just pulling their leg. Fortunately, every once in awhile our knack for sniffing out what’s hot gets the affirmation it so deserves in the form of a news story.

This morning we were absolutely delighted to read about our latest social trend, Pranks, being put to good use by a top notch athlete at a prominent Kentucky University. This T.M.O.C. (Trendly Man on Campus) is none other than Murray State Quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt, who when in response to a dare from a teammate who offered him $20 (any amount of money is trendly) pushed a campus police officer and took his ticket book. While we previously didn’t state “dares” as trendly, the campus athletic director’s affirmation of the whole event being “a prank gone bad”, validates our previous post.

As a result, The Trendliest salutes Murray State Quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt…and hopes that he can avoid the potential 10 year prison term that goes along with being charged with 2nd Degree Robbery so that he can continue being Trendly in other ways, like perhaps playing the Clarinet.

April 14, 2008 Posted by | Trendliness In Action | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trendliness in Action: Pranks- Jeff Ehrhardt

Hello Trend Trackers, We here at the Trendliest admit sometimes the things that we consider downright trendly can seem so absolutely crazy that it might prompt readers to think we’re just pulling their leg. Fortunately, every once in awhile our knack for sniffing out what’s hot gets the affirmation it so deserves in the form of a news story.

This morning we were absolutely delighted to read about our latest social trend, Pranks, being put to good use by a top notch athlete at a prominent Kentucky University. This T.M.O.C. (Trendly Man on Campus) is none other than Murray State Quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt, who when in response to a dare from a teammate who offered him $20 (any amount of money is trendly) pushed a campus police officer and took his ticket book. While we previously didn’t state “dares” as trendly, the campus athletic director’s affirmation of the whole event being “a prank gone bad”, validates our previous post.

As a result, The Trendliest salutes Murray State Quarterback Jeff Ehrhardt…and hopes that he can avoid the potential 10 year prison term that goes along with being charged with 2nd Degree Robbery so that he can continue being Trendly in other ways, like perhaps playing the Clarinet.

April 14, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Methods | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Prank’d: Be Like Ashton!

Hello my band of trendly tricksters, are you having a laugh? No? Well that’s too bad. Are you sad because your significant other was in a horrible train accident today and your apartment just burned down? What, nobody told you? We’re just kidding. That’s what we here at The Trendliest call a prank…and it’s the hottest new way to get a hearty har-har out of friends and family, but mostly out of yourself.

Pulling a prank is easy. There are only a few simple steps. First, think of a friend, enemy, frenemy, or group you want to make feel bad. Second, think of something to do that would absolutely eliminate that person or group’s dignity and/or crush their soul. Third, enact a plan including either bombs, children, or other celebrities (sometimes all three) to temporarily crush their soul and/or erase their dignity. Next, watch said person or group lose their dignity while reacting to this potentially horrific occurrence by bursting into tears or reacting in a manic nature. Finally, announce to your friend, enemy, frenemy or group that they’ve been “punk’d” or that the event that has crushed their soul indeed never occurred or that at least part of what you said wasn’t true, thus sending a great sense of relief to said prankee, though never fully restoring their dignity. There, you’ve pranked someone. Wasn’t it fun and or trendy?

Carson Palmer: Leader of Trojans, Destroyer of Spartans

While Pranking is currently trendly, some times it can go horribly awry. One of the first pranks was held way back in the time of the Trojan War (otherwise known as the 2002 GMAC Humanitarian Bowl) when the USC Trojans led by then Quarterback Carson Palmer entered the Spartan arena by occupying a wooden horse that was then left outside the Michigan State University stadium, which their opponents then mistook as a gift and brought it onto the field of battle. However, once inside the East Lansing stadium, Palmer and company ritualistically slaughtered their opponents with a precision passing attack, clock eating run game, and harrowing defense by a score of 48-3, thus winning the Trojan War…and leaving plenty of blood, pain, and humiliation in their wake.

Those Poor, Unfortunate Michiganders

Ashton Kutcher: Trendliest Hero

Indeed, while most pranks end in horrible tragedy due to the fact that they never reach that aforementioned “final step”, as evidenced by the efforts of extremist religious groups like Al Qaeda and shows like “Candid Camera”, one man has mastered the art of stripping people of their dignity and then giving it back to them in small pieces so that over time they may one day hope to be a shell of their former selves. That man is Ashton Kutcher. His hit show “Punk’d” shows famous people crying because their fancy cars have been smashed even though they haven’t and it makes us all laugh, which is the original point of pulling the prank in the first place…and what’s more trendly than coming full circle.

April 11, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Methods | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Support Your Favorite Band…FOREVER!!!

Hey Trendliophiles, What’s that you’re listening to? Perhaps the latest from Terence Trend D’arby? Oh, It’s Radiohead…and they’re still as good as they ever were? What’s that you say, the greatest band in the world? Wow, that’s a big statement, but of course they are. It would be downright untrendly of you not to say so. In fact, supporting your favorite band past their artistic peak no matter how little you presently identify with their current output is so in, as is berating people who disagree with the intangible proof of your viewpoint despite the fact that music appreciation is totally subjective. After all, what’s more friendly and trendy than informing people of what they should think is cool according to your tastes.

That reminds us, have you heard the new Wilson Phillips record? It’s totally going to win a Grammy. They’ve really grown up on this one and I think they used the same producer that worked on Jesus Jones’ second album, so it really takes them into a whole new place sonically.

That being said, we here at the Trendliest have a few albums that we’re totally looking forward to whenever they should happen to come out. The first one on our must have list is Chinese Democracy from the hop hot duo of Axl Rose and KFC-face. If this album is any bit as good as their previous homophobic, misogynistic efforts you can count us in for two copies. We have a feeling that throngs of people already agree, this is the greatest album ever to maybe be in existence.
Our next pick of the musical litter is the latest from Hootie & The Blowfish. We’re not sure when their next album comes out or what it’ll be called, but ever since these soft rockers encouraged us to “Let Her Cry” we’ve been holding back streaming saltwater from our tear ducts in anticipation of the next time an opportunity presents itself for them to extract an equal amount of water weight from us via the magic of music.

Yes, we here at the Trendliest are quite on top of the supporting bands past their artistic peak trend. We’ve seen the Rolling Stones play 16 times since 1998 and had gold circle seating every time! Speaking of which, did anyone get tickets to see Radiohead at All Points West? Word is they might play “Creep”.


April 10, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Music, Nostalgia | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

If At First You Don’t Succeed…Search, Search Again

Hello my trendly little pupils. I hope you have your paper and pencils ready to take some notes because Trendology 101 is now in session. For today’s lesson in Trendliness we explore the hottest method for learning known as “Research”. As we all know, learning is important and research is not only the best way to learn things, but it’s used by nearly everyone, from Scientists who employ it to try to prove that God doesn’t exist to Producers on “The Jerry Springer Show”, who use it as a way to figure out what psychological buttons to push that will make two white-trash transvestite hermaphrodites so angry that they’ll punch each other in the face relentlessly on national television. If research is used on television how can it not be trendly?

“God who?”

The main aspects of research include reading about things, watching things and doing things related to that of which you may or may not already know, just in case you find yourself faced with the opportunity to appear on Jeopardy. For example if one wanted to research “martial arts” one might feel inclined to watch the Jeff Speakman movie or perhaps go to a dojo and punch someone in the face. The result would more than likely involve “Martial Arts, providing a wonderful opportunity for “hands on research”.

The term “research” itself originated with famed explorer Marco Polo, who in the 13th Century was sent to China by The Pope to look for spices. When Polo returned to present his holiness with the vast array of flavors he had found in the Orient, the Pope ordered him to go back and get more. Ironically, Polo had a horrible sense of direction and had made no markings on the map as to the places he had been. He told the Pope he would have to “re-search” for the spices and thus a new method of learning was born as was Mrs. Dash; the salt substitute was a direct result of Marco’s 2nd spice run. However, the fact of the matter is, after it’s invention research was very scarcely used. People preferred the use of the educated guess or “Hypothesis”, named after Greek mathematician Hypotenous for whom the longest side in a right triangle is also named. (Note: Getting things named after you makes them infinitely trendlier)

An Historic Moment In Research History

One of the first pioneers of researching was fairy tale “it” girl Goldilocks, who helped bring researching to the public eye when she found that some porridges and beds were too hot or too cold, but others were just right. Thanks to the efforts of this brazen blond researcher who effectively held the first focus group (a research method still used today by all the hottest marketing companies), the human race became acutely aware that partaking in anything that was “just right” ultimately pissed off bears. To this day, humans live in a slightly uncomfortable state to maintain a suitable equilibrium with the master bear race, because not getting mauled by Grizzlies is most certainly friendly and trendy.

Just as Goldilocks’ research led the human race to cope with things that may be a little too toasty or chilly, we here at The Trendliest use Marco Polo’s invention nearly every day to learn the latest on that which is not lame so we can pass it to you, our beloved readers. You know if we’re addicted to research, it must be trendly.

Thanks to Stephy P and Andrew M.

April 9, 2008 Posted by | Education, Methods | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Catch A Wave!

Hey trend surfers, it’s your friendly neighborhood trend-vel agent here to tell you about some of the hottest spots to get your leisure on this summer. A few years ago all of the richies were heading to tony locations like the French Riviera and Rockaway Beach to get their fix of that fishy sea smell, cool ocean breeze, and to reap the benefits of the epidermal enhancements that come with getting crapped on by a seagull. However, with the economy in a slight temporary downturn, celebrities like P. Diddy and Fred Schneider of the B-52’s have ditched those pricey locales in favor of the less lavish but ultimately more rewarding experience offered at water parks. So why is everybody rushing off to their local wild water wet spots instead of hitting the sandy seashores? Two trendly words….Wave Pools.

Originally invented to bring the magic of the high seas and the joy of almost drowning to land locked areas like Nebraska and Hawaii, as well as to teach potential Cuban refugees how to survive the short trip to Miami; wave pools are an effective way to simulate your day at the beach without worrying about getting sand in your crack or falling victim to a vicious dolphin attack. Swim enthusiasts don’t even have to worry about easing into chilly water beyond their precious privates, because these faux-ceans (that’s fake oceans) are heated; if not by a big fancy pool heater, by the constant stream of urine being emptied into the water by scores of unconcerned children and incontinent adults. Wave warriors can even take their long boards out and hang ten in the pool pipeline, provided they’re skilled at evading toddlers. The best part is, there’s no need to check the daily surf report because, get this, the waves are adjustable! So whether you’re just a beginner in the blue crush or you’re ready to tackle a tsunami, the wave pool is the trendliest place to get wet this summer.

April 8, 2008 Posted by | Family, Leisure | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment