Greetings sometimes followers of the latest trendly goings on. It’s been far too long since you’ve seen our smiling faces and glowing witticisms on this here page. If only there were some way we could make it up to you that didn’t involve monetary appropriations or sexual favors. We’ve got it! How about we resume our position as the standard bearers of the latest in all that is both friendly and trendy by posting something new? Sound good? No? Well, then we guess we’re just going to have to offer you a heartfelt apology, which just so happens to be the latest friendly trend in public discourse.
Plenty of people in this world are capable of committing unspeakable acts of immorality such as actively engaging in genocide, offering free health care and forgetting to tip their server. All too often those heinous occurrences go unchecked without even the slightest acknowledgment of any wrongdoing. Lately though those who have committed a heinous act against their fellow man have seen fit to right their wrongs by publicly proclaiming “mea culpa” for their questionable decisions that stand to jeopardize their status as the world’s foremost athlete, restaurant patron, or douchebag tattoo-sleeved guitar player of easy listening music.
Whether you’ve offended people by outing your penis’s racist tendencies, not providing boundaries for your penis, or just simply not posting on your blog for a really long time; it’s important to acknowledge that the road to ruin was paved with good intentions. Unfortunately that road is only big enough for penis-shaped cars or vehicles driven by your ego. While you were busy thinking with your genitalia, guitar, and/or wallet your well-intending actions -no matter how private- were busy hurting the feelings of millions of people you have never even met who obviously look up to you as a role model.
The only way to right this wrong is to offer an utterly sincere admission of guilt and probable sex addiction as reasons for your lapse in judgment. After all, you could’ve spent so much time being the best you you could be if only you weren’t so busy looking at porn or shamelessly flirting with the girl you paid to have sex with.
So how does one offer a sincere apology to those wronged souls also known as sponsors, professional sports associations, or Twitter followers? Well, there are several different methods sweeping the nation:
The most popular and readily available is the press conference. The media loves a good admission of wrongdoing and what better way to do it than in real-time in front of cameras and microphones before the entire world. Not only will it magnify the extent of whatever you’re admitting, but it also makes you seem sorrier. Whether you cheated on your wife or your SATs and need to tell someone, there’s a good chance ESPN or TMZ will cover it, provided you schedule it during The World Series of Poker or when Britney Spears is not driving to the mall.
The second most popular form of apology is through the purchasing of gifts. While this form of contrition won’t achieve the level of international forgiveness on the scale of a press conference; it goes to show those you have injured that your actions, while selfish, put enough money in your pocket to afford expensive chocolates or a used Mazda Miata. It also helps to stimulate the economy, which is always friendly and trendy.
The third most popular form of forgiveness also happens to be the least beneficial to the economy. It’s known as the simple action apology. The simple action apology is a personal admission of wrongdoing popularly expressed via language or sexual favors and sometimes both. It requires an audience of five or less and often occurs during an intervention or after the receipt of a credit card bill that reveals frequent trips to the strip club.
Although apologies may be the latest friendly trend, it’s important to note that one errs on the side of unpopularity when expressing such regrets to loved ones. After all, being in love means never having to say you’re sorry.
February 22, 2010 Posted by evankessler | Celebrities, Gifts, Methods, Relationships, Social Trends | Ali Macgraw, apologies, Britney Spears, cheating, ESPN, John Mayer, Love Story, Mazda Miata, Ryan O'Neal, sexual indiscretions, Tiger Woods, TMZ, TMZ.com, twitter, World Series of Poker | Leave a comment
Greetings Trendly Tweeters and Facebook status flirts. Do you spend the majority of your day tethered to an electronic device not designed to give you sexual pleasure?Are you fully up to speed on the whereabouts and goings on of all of the seven hundred people in your online network yet draw a blank every time you try to imagine what their voice sounds like? And when it comes to your own voice do you have trouble remembering whether it’s more nasal, manly, or just somewhere in between? If you said yes to all of those it’s time to clear the cobwebs in your throat and get familiar with a trend that, well, used to be really popular a year or two ago…the trend of actual conversation.
Yes ladies and trend-tleman the oral adventure that is human communication has taken many forms since the lord created man on the seventh day and then planted evolutionary clues to convince scientists their whims had the slightest merit. Early man used grunts and hisses to impart such important notions as “please pass the salt” and “I’m going to go hit that pig over the head many times with a club so that we can have it for dinner and then rape that female.” While we were on track to develop a complex language based on those hisses and grunts for quite awhile, the almighty himself deferred communicative ease for a few years after an unsatisfactory architecture experiment at Babel. This failed “tower” project not only made conversation impossible but it allowed for the worldwide spread of mankind and development of different linguistic characteristics to the point where we needed a phrasebook to figure out what people like Dennis Miller and the French were talking about.
Thanks to the advent of technology and the imperialistic notions of such nations as Great Britain, The United States of America and Finland, there is now an “international language” that doesn’t involve sexual favors for the exchange of spices. That language is “innovation” and that innovation usually comes with an English instruction manual and now includes visual aides typed via computer. While mankind has fought so hard to bring themselves closer together, many technological advances have provided the ruse of progress due to the fact that while we think sharing links of kitty videos over the Internet is uniting us, we will never actually get to see the people who we are sharing those videos with naked and in person.
However, thanks to the potential re-embrace of the idea of actual conversation people are talking, talking about people, and not only that, those very same people are now starting to remember that face to face interaction and chronic halitosis is a lot more desirable than chronic carpal tunnel syndrome and blurred vision. So that’s why we here at Trendliest are urging you to put down that Twitter, head down to the local pub and buy yourself something bitter and talk it out with some of your best buds instead of typing it. Give those vocal chords the workout they’ve been begging for.
May 15, 2009 Posted by evankessler | Language, Social Trends, Technology | Communication, conversation, Dennis Miller, French people, Great Britain, Internet, Sexual favors, spices, Tower of Babel, twitter, UK, United States of American, voice | Leave a comment
Hello my Trendlies, Are you doing something friendly and trendy right now? Well how about now? Even if it isn’t trendly, you should probably tell us what it is you’re up to. Why? Because knowing what everyone else is doing all of the time is unbelievably trendly. As you’re reading this I’m doing perhaps the trendliest thing of all, blogging. While blogging may be a hot new way to show a nation on the edge of it’s seat important photos of your cat, it can no way inform people as to your regular whereabouts and goings on. The fact of the matter is everyone wants to know what you’re up to whether you’re in a bathtub getting ready to pop out junior with your midwife, poisoning the water supply in Myanmar or just plain hangin’ out. To put it briefly, you’re not cool unless somebody knows you’re cool. Thanks to technological advances like super computers, cell phones and the Swiffer Sweeper, keeping eager stalkers constantly apprised of your goings on has never been easier.
Way back in 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue he forgot to tell his roommates he was even leaving the house and they were totally pissed when he ditched out without getting someone to sublet. It was four months before they knew he was gone and another two months before they were beheaded in a public square for not paying the full rent. If they could’ve checked his Facebox profile they would’ve seen the phrase “Christopher Columbus is out sailing for a few months” on his status update and put an ad up on Craigslist or on the town square bulletin board and avoided their subsequent guillotine rendezvous. Thanks to sites like Twitter and Tellmewhatyouredoingallofthetime.com this is so not a problem. These sites allow users to constantly give people the lowdown on what they’re up to by typing in their daily minutia into a browser so that you never have to exercise those pesky amenities known as their voice or their privacy ever again.
The trendliest people, a.k.a Celebrities, even have their own uber-exclusive telling everyone what they’re doing all the time service called TMZ.com. TMZ.com uses a complex system of stalkers with video and photo equipment aimed at the crotches of female celebrities to let the rest of the world know that celebrities never have underwear, always have genitalia, and sometimes go to the supermarket. Now that’s what we call trendly!
April 7, 2008 Posted by evankessler | Celebrities, Electronics, Social Trends, Technology | Britney Spears, Christopher Columbus, craigslist, Facebox, Internet, knowing what people are doing, midwives, Myanmar, pregnancy, stalkers, stalking, swiffer sweeper, TMZ.com, trendliest, trends, twitter | Leave a comment
The Trendliest is your friendly guide to latest trends. If you need to know what’s hop, hot, or now…well then you’ve got to read it. Not only is The Trendliest friendly and trendy, but it’s also satirical. So, if you find yourself easily offended by the content, there is a good chance that you are either silly, hyper-sensitive or Canadian. Lighten up Canucks.
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