The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Go Cold Turkey

Hey Habitual Trend Seekers…Are you trying to wean yourself off a totally unhealthy addiction to harmful welfare, crack, or a vegan lifestyle? Have you tried patches, pills, and everything just short getting arrested and subsequently raped in prison to calm that co-dependency? The problem with those methods is they create more co-dependency. One patch begets another patch and one prison rape begets more prison rape. You get the picture. These days doctors are recommending a new old method when it comes kicking the bottle, can, or bizarre sexual kink. The latest way to cut the cord with your sinful indulgence is by using what physicians and deli owners alike are referring to as cold turkey.

You Can’t Go Cold Turkey With Tofurky

Prior to being used as a co-dependency cure-all, Cold Turkey was actually used to make a certain kind of Whiskey that went by the name “Wild Turkey”. While Cold Turkey wasn’t the active ingredient that made the whiskey drinkers go “wild”, people back then were imbeciles and thought that the floating chunks of meat saturated in alcohol were the reason they felt good. When prohibition hit and the production and distribution of “Wild Turkey” was banned, many of these avid whiskey drinkers came up with the delerium tremens. To satisfy their need for a fix, many of them took to the local turkey coup or farmers markets where they butchered these flightless birds en masse, threw their meat on ice and went to town, eating every last shred of light and dark meat. While this didn’t satisfy their fix…the former addicts became so tired due to all of the tryptophan they had ingested that some of them fell asleep for days, outlasting their bouts of the shakes and therefore shedding their alcohol dependency.

Now Available Without Turkey Chunks

However, when prohibition ended all of the former alcoholics went back on the sauce, wise to the fact that turkey bits did nothing to enhance their drunken state. Wild Turkey nearly went out of business and Jack Daniels flourished as a brand. Wild Turkey eventually adjusted by taking turkey bits out of their whiskey, and founded Butterball as a side business. Everyone pretty much forgot about the “Cold Turkey” incident until several years back when a pre-med student who just so happened to be a methadone addict was working on a report in a library came across an old newspaper headline in the New York Daily Sun, “Cold Turkey Quells Prohibition Fueled Alcoholic Rampage.”

The next time that student felt the need to shoot up…he instead went to his deli counter and bought a pound of Boars Head Cajun Smoked Turkey with Cracked Pepper ordering that they be sliced “not too thin” and ingested several slices when he returned home. He fell immediately asleep and woke up still jonesing for methadone…but quelled yet another hankering with more cold turkey until he was full and had slept a good 38 hours, missing his vital mid-terms, but at least he wasn’t doped up. The student then took his findings to his professor who then had him expelled for drug addiction and published the unnamed student’s findings in a prominent medical journal sometime around 1998.

“Inventor” of Cold Turkey Method

While the Cold Turkey theory has been circulating around the medical community for nearly ten years now, it was only recently put into practice on VH1’s hit TV show Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, who just so happens to be the Doctor/Professor who published the original report. The show remarkably resurrected the careers of one of the Baldwin Brothers that isn’t as talented as Alec…and some guy who is apparently a very good ultimate fighter. If cold turkey is capable of rescuing those people’s lives from their addictions, whose to say it couldn’t prevent you from conquering your addiction to chocolate…or resurrecting your media based career. Wouldn’t that be trendly?

April 25, 2008 Posted by | Health | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Should We Talk About The Weather?

Hello you cunning linguists. Do you speak trendlinese? Well if you can understand what everyone’s talking about you probably do? If you can’t then you’re obviously unaware that the latest trendly conversation topic jumping off the tip of people’s tongues all over this great planet of ours is none other than the weather. That’s right, every day in elevators, in office buildings across land, sea, air and space, people get together to awkwardly discuss things like temperature, clouds and how that tramp on the third floor looks like she’s dressing for a night at the club rather than a day of the office.

There’s no better way to pass those awkard 42 seconds between the lobby and the 126th floor than to prove just how little you’re willing to intrude on your co-workers lives and simultaneously avoid discussion of your own sordid encounters than the diversionary tactic of mentioning something completely arbitrary that is utterly neutral and factually indisputable, such as weather. If you’re lucky enough to work in a high tech office building where the elevator has a TV with news headlines and weather displayed on the bottom, you don’t even have to force the issue and can even feel free to discuss the weather in other cities as displayed on said screen as well.

This Elevator Ride Could Be A Lot Trendlier

Talking about the weather doesn’t have to be a one-sided affair based on factual statements though, there are ways to make talking about it seem like a two-way friendly discussion. All one has to do is simply mention how cold it is and that you wish it would be summer already…and voila, it’s like you’re at the water cooler discussing that tramp on the third floor again.

Billy Joel has Incredible Weather Savvy

So where are do all of these friendly trendy people get all of their conversational ammunition about barometric pressure? Well there are plenty of ways to learn about the weather so that you may “wow” your elevator mates. The easiest way aside from taking to the streets and interviewing people who are currently outside, is to listen to the Billy Joel song “Storm Front” off of his 1990 album Storm Front, which if played through to the end will alert the listener of “a low pressure system and a northeast breeze…a falling barometer and rising seas,” as well as “cumulonibus and a posible gale” not to mention “a force nine blowing on the Beaufont scale.” However if one is to listen past track six on the album, they’ll end up hearing about a clown in Leningrad…which to most elevator-users is a completely undesirable topic for conversation along the lines of Darfur or the rapture. Another popular method for gaining weather knowledge is by employing a magic 8 ball and asking it if the weather is nice today. If Magic 8 Ball reads “ask again later” the hazy response should clue the user in that he or she will be faced with hazy or busy weather.

Nicolas Cage Talked About The Weather En Route to Gaining His Celebrity

However, the ultimate way to get your hands on whether the Weather is hot or cooler than cool is on the television. Weather forecasting is so trendly that it has it’s own TV network just like other potentially trendly phenomenons like buying useless items (QVC) or dating skanks (MTV/VH1). People tune in from all over the world just to find out that a tornado might hit Oklahoma sometime in the next three hours or that it’s always raining in London so that they never run out of constant conversational ammunition for their upcoming elevator trips. What’s more is that people who can talk about weather constantly on TV end up being national celebrities…and if talking about the weather can make you a celebrity…what’s not trendly about it?

April 24, 2008 Posted by | Social Trends | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment