The Trendliest

A Friendly Guide To The Latest Trends

Armed To The Feet

Greetings troopers of the 82nd Trendliest Infantry division!  General Trendkopf here demanding you put down those pistols, beat your swords into plowshares and replace those revolvers with roses.  All of those sophisticated modes of weaponry are decidedly out of date.  The friendly, trendy new way to get your battle on and your point across is not to gear up with guns, but to unlace your loafers and let ’em fly.

The Shoe Heard 'round The World

The Shoe Heard 'round The World

Ever since the events of this past week, when Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi attempted the first Presidential shoe-sassination, military defense contractors at Halliburton have been hard at work with the economically-minded pump producers at Payless, developing the ultimate  surface-to-groin missile that will surely put the United States ahead in the foot race.

Haliburton-Payless Prototype Surface To Groin Missile

Haliburton-Payless Prototype Surface-To-Groin Missile

The United States isn’t the only national superpower anxious to dub itself a Shoe-per power. China and India are right up there with over a billion pairs of shoes each aimed in the general direction of almost every country in the world. The United States’ standing as a world leader is secure though, thanks in large part to a fleet female fighting force each brandishing on average up to 14 pairs of the trendly new weapon in a variety of different styles and colors that are designed to compliment a variety of different regulation fatigues and battle situations.

United States Defense Department Shoe Stockpile (Courtesy of Imelda Marcos)     United States Defense Department Shoe Stockpile (Courtesy of Imelda Marcos)

United States Defense Department Shoe Stockpile (Courtesy of Imelda Marcos)

The fact that President Bush avoided being struck by both of al-Zeidi’s size 10’s is a big reason for World War III not breaking out. Also, the Italian economy has seen quite a boost from the event as the world’s governments have sought out the finest in Italian leather footwear from likes of Salvatore Ferragamo and Prada to equip their armies.

While the World may not yet be embroiled in a melee of moccasins, the irate Iraqi has inspired a few “Shoe d’etats” in 3rd world countries like Sri Lanka and The Island of Cuervo Nation. The new method of warfare has also prompted constitutional enthusiast Ron Paul to lobby for a change in the 2nd amendment to include the right to bear dock-siders.

The dramatic shift in tensions has created a new world order that  foreign relations experts predict could result in increased violence. On the upside, the death toll is likely to reduce 85%, but there might still be a lot of black and blue marks and scuffed up wing tips.  We’ll take that over a high death toll any day.  So the next time you want to take your guns to town, take a look down and realize that you’re armed to the feet and let the friendly, trendy battle begin.

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December 16, 2008 Posted by | Fashion, International, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Get Some Air

Are you looking to rock and roll all nite and be trendly every day?  Well, there’s no better way to show your dedication to making sweet music than taking up a brand new instrument for the sole purpose of making the opposite sex swoon.  We know getting a brand new Oboe or Xylophone can set you back a few hundred bucks, but don’t fret, because you don’t need frets to pay homage to your heavy metal brethren and set your crush’s heart aflutter.  Dishing out dollars for a 16-string bass or even a lethal Les Paul is so last millenium.  After all if the music is in you, you don’t need an instrument at all, because the trendliest way to show that you’ve got what it takes to make people come down with a case of the hippy-hippy shakes is to dazzle them  with a dose of the instrument you play best…no…not your genitalia…we’re talking about Air Guitar!

For centuries people have been playing air instruments.  Why, when Jesus first met his first Angel and heard their sweet sounds of her harp, you best believe he started strumming and plucking the ether (not his genitalia).  But It wasn’t until the America’s Revolutionary War that air instrumentation truly started being en vogue.  It was during this major confrontation that many a soldier began to play “air snare” as the bands that led the Colonists into battle against the British were almost always the first to be slaughtered due to their lack of firearm, and so soldiers had to create the illusion of drumming as they headed into battle with their equally air instrument-reliant enemy.

The Fate of Many a Revolutionary War Drummer

Now that war has been all-but eradicated (or at least war bands have save for the actual band “War”) the vast public has needed a new motivation for air instrumentation.  Luckily for people, in the past three hundred years, sex was invented…and nothing gets the ladies and gents more revved up for sex than seeing just how dexterous their potential partner can be as he or she rocks out to Boston’s 1976 Self-titled album showing that if they actually were holding a guitar, or their genitalia, they might possibly know the chord progression to “Smokin’.”  Who knows maybe a mastery of all that faux-guitar heroism will earn them the title of World Champion Air Guitarist.  Suck on that Slash.

August 19, 2008 Posted by | Music, Sexuality, Social Trends | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Accidental Terrorist

Odds are if you’re checking out this here site you’re on the hunt for something utterly friendly and trendy. You may also be wondering if there are trends you might have the good fortune to discover on your own. It would be easy for us to say no so that you might continue being absolutely dependant on us for finding out just what in the world is hop and hot, but the truth is there are some hot new fads you can stumble upon all by your self…the latest of which is being accidentally and irresponsibly labeled a “terrorist.”

While being accidentally labeled a terrorist goes as far back as the 1996 Olympics when Richard Jewell “bombed” a perfectly good Olympic venue all in the name of drawing the attention away from the fact that a Bulgarian, not an American participant captured three gold medals in weighlifting…the resurgence in the trend can be credited to the heinous attacks of September 11th. Since the government’s irresponsible handling of the events leading to an actual terrorist attack, they’ve stepped up efforts to compensate for the fact that they’re not doing enough for homeland security by making sure all bars have Toby Keith albums on their jukebox. Additionaly, the government has made efforts to raise public paranoia levels with the “if you see a brown person doing something, say something” slogan and their special hotline for reporting talkative cab drivers.

Rachael Ray Threatens Freedom With A Dynamite Coolatta

However, it’s not only poor brown people who’ve had the fortune of participating in this latest trend; Celebrities are also at the forefront of this fad. America’s Sweetest Pitchperson Rachael Ray was sent to Abu Ghraib after dressing up like Yasser Arafat in a Dunkin’ Donuts ad where she was then subject to the trendly practice of waterboarding. Even Presidential frontrunner Barack Obama and his wife aren’t immune to trendliness. The two were placed under heavy scrutiny after engaging in the “Al Qaeda Fist Bump” after a lively speech about overthrowing the current Republican regime.

The Friction from Said Fist Bump Usually Creates Explosions of Epic Proportions

Don’t be trend-orists…If the two most popular people in the greatest nation in the world are getting their accidental terrorism on…what are you waiting for? Shouldn’t you be arousing suspicion by leaving a suspicious package on the train that just so happens to look like your pocket book or maybe letting your oven burner run a bit before lighting a match to create a huge gas explosion in your house? Either of those would be da bomb, and totally trendly ways to arouse suspicion that you are in fact a terrorist.

July 9, 2008 Posted by | Celebrities, Government, Methods, Politics | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment